How To Let Guilt Go

“Guilt and shame aren’t really the best motivators for relational change.” – Whitney Goodman

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “How can I communicate this hard thing to someone without feeling like the worst person alive” or “ Why do I feel SO guilty even though I didn’t do anything wrong?” you’re definitely not alone in that feeling — but it miiiight be keeping you stuck. Let’s talk about what excessive guilt actually does for your life, and how you can overcome it. 

Why Do I Always Feel Guilty?

Excessive guilt could be a sign that you are having a difficult time with knowing what to do with your emotions, so instead you turn them on yourself. Truth is, there isn’t always an exact formula for dealing with hurt feelings, so learning how to identify your feelings, process them in a helpful manner can take practice but ultimately reduce feelings of guilt or self-blame.

Guilt is an inevitable, and perhaps necessary, tool for self-correction. It helps us acknowledge and rectify mistakes, make amends for wrongdoings, and cultivate empathy. But instead of viewing guilt as a burden, we can view it as a tool for repairing the damage in our relationships.

However, like any potent tool, guilt must be wielded with care and intentionality or you’ll end up with uneven closet doors because you got a little *too* saw happy.

So, I urge you to think of guilt like a tool. This helps us separate function from feeling, meaning if we see guilt as something to use rather than something to feel, we free ourselves from some of the heaviness being carried around and instead decide where guilt belongs.

Think of guilt like a power tool

You would not use a coffee machine to make ice cream, or a paint brush to dry your counters, because it’s not what they were designed for. Guilt was not designed to make us into walking, talking apologies, but to help us correct mistakes when those mistakes are clearly outlined and brought to our attention.

Examples of excessive guilt

• Apologizing excessively for healthy boundaries or expectations.
• Dwelling on interactions without clear indication of wrongdoing.
• Analyzing emotions with a focus on “what did I get wrong?”

How To Overcome Excessive Guilt

Feelings of excessive guilt might indicate that we are conditioned to believe negatively about ourselves in order to protect the relationships around us. At times, we use guilt to keep others close to us, but this can damage our self-esteem and put a damper on our relationships. Putting this tool away might mean asking yourself, “What other tools do I have besides guilt?” or “Is there a better tool for this particular situation?”

Replace excessive guilt with

• Investigating additional emotions that arise.
• Practicing Self-Compassion.
• Having a neutral third party review the situation.

Can Guilt Be A Good Thing ?

Having healthy guilt involves acknowledging a clear relational violation with ourselves or others and taking steps to rectify the situation. If we cannot name the violation clearly, this could indicate unhelpful guilt is present. It’s about recognizing our mistakes and committing to a different course of action in the future.

TLDR;

Guilt should be viewed as a heavy duty power tool that we use in situations where there is a clear outline of wrong doing. An excessive amount of guilt can indicate that we are under-skilled at dealing with our emotions or we are attempting to protect others around us by taking our emotions out on ourselves.

Maybe You Just Need To Talk

Hey there! If you ever find yourself googling “How to express my needs and wants in a relationship without feeling like the worst person alive!”, you’re in the right place, you live here now.

I’m Brandi! A licensed psychotherapist, self-proclaimed messy sh*t helper for adults looking to transform their relationships in the states of North Carolina and Missouri. If you are looking for more one-on-one help, I’d be happy to support you.

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