When asked, estranged adults struggle to explain their complex family situation, but here’s why answering the question honestly matters.

How To Respond When Asked About Your (Estranged) Family Member/s

When you have to make the difficult choice to estrange yourself from a family member/s, it’s understandable to feel a range of emotions when asked about the relationship. There can be pressure to provide an explanation that is both polite and honest within a split second resulting in akward silence or the standard “they’re fine” response. If you are questioning both of those options, you are probably struggling with the delimma of whether to present your family positively or accurately and though it may seem like an extra step, here is why answering honestly can help you heal in this process.

“Many estranged adults struggle with the dilemma of whether to present their family positively, or whether to present them accurately.“

It’s not uncommon to feel guilt after choosing to remove yourself from a family relationship. Our society prioritizes us having a positive family image, despite not always having positive family relationship to support this image. Choosing to estrange from a family member/s is a tough enough decision that involves complicated emotions. As a licensed psychotherapist working with estranged adults in Charlotte, NC I have come to understand that each family estrangement situation is unique and requires us to stay away from making assumptions or sharing unthoughful statements.

If you are worried about how to respond to this questions, it is likely you are trying to find the best way to protect yourself, or your family member/s. There is likely an allegiance to how your family member/s is treated or seen but here is why you should stick with the truth…

Why you should answer family estrangement questions honestly

1. You stop being a lone wolf:

Estranged adults can hide how bad their family relationships are due to feelings of shame or embarrassment. This leads to isolation, anxiety and other challenges that result in feeling as though life needs to be done alone. Estranged adults start to appear as lone wolves and struggle to know the difference between privacy and hiding due to fears of rejection.

2. You disrupt the legacy of denial:

We can be in denial about how impacted we are by an issue until we talk about it out loud. Many people don’t discuss the impact of family estrangement when asked what it’s like to miss out on certain events, holidays, or anniversaries. Revealing the emotions behind estranged relationships can help you connect to yourself about the emotional impact of the estrangement.

3. You make peace with your emotions:

As an adult estranged from family member/s, the need for distance and privacy stems from a history of emotions being disregarded or weaponized. Opening up is risky if there is a history of conflict/abuse in the relationship. Honestly communicating about your situation in the present can reveal what a healthy response looks like.

How to honestly answer estrangement related-questions

• “My brother and I aren’t close. I don’t know how he is doing.”
• “I’ve had difficulties with my Mom and am focusing on my personal growth through that.”
• “Not all families are close, and I’m trying to  prioritize my emotional well-being with that being the case.”

Contextual Boundary Setting

Depending on the setting, sharing detailed information might not be appropriate. It’s important to remember that our boundaries about this information is based on the person who is asking. It may not be professional to share more details with co-workers, but perfectly acceptable to share amongst friends and mentors. Despite social pressure to have a positive family relationship, it is okay to admit when things are not “fine” in any setting, adding details will depend on the context of the relationship.