The Problem With ‘Not Being So Angry

A guide to expressing anger from one human to another

When people come into therapy and say they want to work on “not being so angry,” what they often mean—though they don’t always realize it yet—is that they want help keeping their anger out of sight. Maybe they’re hoping to protect the people around them, or to avoid the consequences they’ve experienced when their anger shows up in ways that don’t feel good to them. And that makes a lot of sense.

But anger itself isn’t the problem. Emotions aren’t things we get to choose—they arise automatically, part of being human. What we do have a say in is how we respond to them. So the question becomes less about how to get rid of anger, and more about this: when your anger inevitably shows up, how do you want to express it in a way that feels aligned with who you are?

When we fear expression

When we start to feel afraid of our own emotions, we often try to manage that fear by shutting the emotions down. It makes sense—if something feels overwhelming, of course we’d want to avoid it. But emotions don’t actually disappear just because we turn away from them. They linger. They build. It’s a bit like leaving the faucet running in a sink with the drain plugged—you might ignore it for a while, but eventually the water has nowhere to go, and it spills over. In much the same way, when we avoid or deny what we feel, those emotions don’t resolve—they intensify, often showing up in ways that feel even harder to understand or control.

Anger is a signal

Anger signals to us and others that some part of us feels mistreated or that there is something unacceptable or harmful happening. Blocking this signal often results in confusion, overwhelm and frustration because we don’t get a sense of what’s threatening.

Additionally, when we don’t take our anger seriously, it can be difficult for us to be taken seriously. Anger allows us to set boundaries, and limits as well as reflect on how we want to be treated and how we want to treat ourselves.

It’s also important to say that not every situation is a safe one for expressing anger. Sometimes people will use your anger against you, and in those moments, holding it back isn’t avoidance—it’s discernment. There’s a difference between silencing yourself out of fear and choosing, wisely, when and where your emotions can be expressed without causing you harm. Part of the work is learning to recognize that difference—and trusting yourself enough to honor it.

When anger turns to rage

Ironically, the harder we try to control or dismiss our anger, the more likely it is to erupt in ways that feel disproportionate or even unfamiliar to us. When anger is ignored, it doesn’t disappear—it accumulates. And over time, that buildup can spill out as rage, the kind that leaves us feeling out of character, disconnected from ourselves, or regretful afterward.

The tricky part is that rage rarely does what we hope it will. It doesn’t tend to resolve what’s stuck—it often keeps us there, just in a louder, more chaotic way. Without direction, anger can turn outward in ways that harm others, or inward in ways that harm ourselves. The work isn’t to get rid of anger, but to stay close enough to it that it can actually tell us what needs our attention.

Feeling anger in real time

Connecting to your anger in real time means seeing it as any other natural emotion, it can be helpful to create an “Go-to Response” when angry that allows your body to normalize your anger, such as a deep sigh, a head shake “no,” some action that allows you to honor and normalize anger just as you would smile, laugh, or soften your gaze when feeling joy. Remember, anger is a natural feeling that is going to come up whether you want it to or not, we cannot wish it away but we can work to honor our anger as it is designed to make sure we are treated well.

Honesty Hour Prompt

What might anger be attempting to advocate on my behalf?