Despite the epidemic of parent/child relationship focus on social media, parent/child estrangement is not a new topic. Estrangement involves a physical and/or emotional distance put between parent and child to avoid further conflict or prevent harm. Estrangement, going no-contact, is typically the final step in a long build-up of parent/child disconnection. 

What can I do about being estranged?

Parents usually express shock and confusion surrounding what led to the estrangement, while adult children often feel hopeless about the possibility of reconciliation. Though parent/child estrangement can be initiated by either party, it requires both individuals to explore what role they want to play in the overall repair. This repair can happen in a therapy setting, through meditation of a neutral third party but ultimately needs to be done in an environment that both parties agree to.

How can therapy help?

As a therapist, I believe my role is to help each person understand what prevents them from showing up openly and with trust in the relationship. By shifting self-protective strategies to engage with each other more authentically, we build new relationship dynamics that can set them up for deep, sustainable change. Estrangement therapy focuses on finding reparative experiences that allow each person to let go of the self-protective strategies that keep them stuck in conflict and pain. 

What if I just want an apology? 

Self-protective strategies can hinder our ability to show compassion, understanding, and empathy, which are all important when giving an apology. Wanting or needing an apology is a perfectly normal human response. However, if someone is unable to offer an apology and follow it up with changed behavior, there is usually a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Joint parent/child therapy may not be effective if one or both parties are unwilling to explore their own self-protective tendencies.

Common Reasons for parent/child estrangement

• Lack of safety in the relationship during formative years or in adulthood.
• Lack of respect or accountability in the relationship.
• Lack of remorse or acknowledgment of pain inflicted.
• Lack of interest in the other person’s experience.
• Lack of leadership by the parents surrounding the conflict.
• Ongoing attempts at control through threats, abuse, and distancing.

If you or someone you know is looking for therapy to work through the issues related to this topic, let’s book a consultation and talk about how therapy can help you move forward.